The past few days have been slow and boring. Complete with tons of rejection letters and no responses, but full of quiet moments of reflections. From writing to reading to long walks in the orchard to get my head back on track, I have learned…or perhaps realized…one thing: No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am loved. That sounds corny, but it is reality. And I believe more of us need to claim that truth. How did I come to this conclusion? I am not really sure I can actually put it into words but I am going to try.
I had dinner with my brother the other night. Will served with the Marine Corps for most his adult life and now works on base here in town. He is a feisty one, but has a heart of gold. We put in a movie after dinner only to turn it off to talk. He reminded me that when we were in school we used to talk all the time. He missed it as much as I did. I remembered that when he served in Japan and Iraq I always felt special to get a call from him. He has always been a good brother and I am thankful God put him in my life…even though it wasn’t until high school.
Then I found myself in an orchard reading (I like to walk and read at the same time) and the book I was reading was discussing love – all forms. Agape love in the book is an all-consuming love. Having never been in love before (don’t get me wrong, I have loved deeply…my first boyfriend, my ex-fiancé I will love forever, but I was never IN love with them), this idea stuck with me.
The irony was that I was reading and pondering this on my parents’ 39th anniversary (I think 39 it could be 38…but a long time none the less). And I was reminded about my Grandpa John pursuing my Grandma Shirley across the country. But, even these samples of love did not lend much to the all-consuming idea of agape. The closest thing I could come to understanding it was my relationship with God. And not even my side of the relationship.
You see, sometimes I forget about him, I ignore his requests, I sin, I rebel. But his love for me is all-consuming to him. I mean the best way I can explain it is the best true fairy tale ever. A prince, who had everything, left it to find me, the wayward Jezebel. Then when he found me, I rejected his advances. Where this would drive most men into anger or harden their hearts, he found new ways to pursue me. When he had exhausted all his resources and rationale, he gave the ultimate gift, his life for mine. And then, he came back to celebrate and walk with me. That is all-consuming love if I have ever heard of it.
So, yesterday, I gave myself a “get my head in the game day” meaning I took it out of the game for a break. Sometimes it is the distance to a problem that lends to a solution. I went out and prepared for my trip to San Jose next week. I am chaperone a Miss California State contestant. I used to do these competitions I know the kind of stress that it induces. So, I want to be the chaperone that helps relieve that stress. So I went out and put together a nice welcome basket for her and have some other things planned for her throughout the week. But this quite time of painting and creativity reminded me of how happy I am when I write and create. So, I am praying this writing thing takes off as well as a potential other proofreading gig (I am on the short list I am told).
I talked to my mom and had a great dinner (thank you for the introduction to zucchini pizza and chips!!! YUM!!) Here I realized how love is perceived by others. My mom asked me about Robert and I gave her some updates. She responded, “Well I am glad he loves you and makes you happy. That makes me happy.” He had never said he loves me and I had not realized it, until she said something. But, he does (I know because he told me) and that made me feel special. But it was his actions that made my mom say that, she has not met him yet. But, his encouragement, the way he thinks about me (sending flowers because I am stressed…and they look beautiful!), and talking to me about all we see and experience, he is involved – much like Christ is involved in my life…he wants to know all about my day and the people I encounter.
So, I am still mostly unemployed (read my examiner.com articles so I can be more employed), but I am loved, taken care of, and have a bright future. You see, my God does not abandon me; he loves me too much to do that. He has promised to give me abundantly more than I could ever ask for, and he promises to give me the desires of my heart. So, though this may be a difficult time, it is not by far the end. I have something bright coming my way, and I am excited to see the path.