Hard Lessons

So busy this week. When He provides, it pours.  Where to begin?  First, I apologize for the long time between posts, I am working with a new schedule and need to rework when I do things like Bible study and writing.  So, why the new schedule?

This past week I have been flooded with rejection letters from places I know I would excel at and have been continually frustrated with the process.  At one point on Tuesday I had received four rejection letters (I would receive another two the following days).  I was so frustrated and scared about finances.  Fear overwhelmed me.  I cried out to God, and not in the nice holy way I have been taught to. I wailed at Him. 

“Father, I have followed your will.  I have done what you asked.  I have gone where you called.  I followed the rules.  Why must you continually forget me?!  Why have you ignored my prayers?!  I am tired and scared and feel abandoned!  Give me a break!!  I need a break!!! I can’t handle always doing well and never going anywhere.  I know you have provided me a house to live in and a car to drive, but you continually close doors of employment!  I search and apply and have for four years!!  I am tired of the rejection for no good reason!!!  You promised abundantly more than I could ask for, yet do not provide the job to take care of my bills!!!!  I NEED you to come through for me!  My faith is weak and it is my fault.  This past week I have not been in communion with you, but I need you to show up!  Help!!”

I cried out and screamed and threw a tantrum.  It was awful.  Not the way to address the King and Creator of the Universe.  I went on this way for at least an hour.  It was not my best moment.  To top it off, my internet gave out and I had to restart applications that take forever to fill out.  So, I jumped into the Word thinking perhaps He would speak to me, but he didn’t.  About an hour later, my sister called with a job offer – part time but it will pay my bills.  Praise the Father in Heaven.  God is good even when I am not!

Unfortunately, this was not my only learning experience this week. 

I went my niece and nephew to the Sacramento Children’s Museum (did you know they have one?)  I thought it was going to be more like the Exploratorium but it turned out to be more like an indoor play place complete with painting on the walls and water to play in.  They were so cute!  By the end of the day they were both so tired it was like they were zombies.  Super cute.  

 

 

I was blessed to be able to go to the San Francisco Zoo on Thursday.  I saw some amazing animals, and now can say I have been to every zoo in California.  I got to see my niece and nephew enjoy animals, touch wondering goats and sheep.  I missed my nephew Kole a lot through the experience.  He really enjoys animals, especially dinosaurs and turtles.  I took pictures of them for him, even though he could not experience them with me.  I miss him something awful!

But, I got to see Rylyn and Liam enjoy the Macaws and other exotic birds that could fly freely in the Birds of Paradise display and touch the salt crystal in the whale display (don’t ask why there was salt crystal with a whale display on loan from the Mexican consulate…it has nothing to do with whales).  We saw polar bears and lions and cheetahs and had a great time. 

 

 

I then went to a Thirty One meeting (a purse and organization line that my sister sells).  I think I will start selling it…so keep your eyes open to start organizing your houses, classes, students, dancers, athletes, and beach days better. 

Friday I babysat for my sister and then went home to get into a good fight with Robert.  It happened like any other fight, it was a miscommunication.  We yelled.  It was frustrating and most people would have ended the relationship after a first fight.  But, we both learned a lot about each other, and Robert actually taught me something about me through it.  He taught me that I speak more negatively than positively about people in my life and I did not realize it.  I love the people in my life, friends and family, but sometimes to de-stress I vent to him what is going on in my life.  But how can I expect him to be excited to meet these important people, if I never share the good stuff with him?  Smart man, and completely right.  So, I then spent about an hour going through the important people in my life and telling him all the good things.  It really opens your eyes when the people you love tell you truths like that – I never would have realized it. 

And the best part about a fight is that you know if you can be with that person.  It is easy to be with someone when life is easy, when you don’t agree it is a lot more difficult.  If dating is for finding a mate, and I believe it is, then you have to realize you will fight and life gets harder not easier when you add a new person into the mix.  So, without a fight, you don’t really know if you can handle being with a person.  It sounds weird, but I was actually happy after the fight.  We were able to resolve it, we were able to learn from it, we were able to communicate better.  Sometimes the blessing is in the pain – in this case, without the fight I would not have learned about my communication style and he would not have learned about me.  These are important blessings.

I started my second job as a banquet server last night.  I enjoyed a friendly staff and good people. I served snow cones and cotton candy to kids at a carnival with a friend who did face painting.  God provided.  I got sun sick, really sick, complete with migraine and nausea.  It was awful, but my amazing boyfriend, checked in on me and encouraged me in my first day and in my future with employment better suited to my unique skill set.  I really am blessed to have him.  Robert, thank you for being a constant encouragement, a strong shoulder, and a funny lifter of my spirit.  God has blessed me with you. 

So, all in all, I have learned that sometimes God answers our prayers, there is just sometimes time before we see the answer.  I have learned to be less of a complainer and have more of a gratitude attitude.  I have learned to be more aware of the good than the bad.  I have learned to better communicate. I have learned that I really am truly blessed.  So, this week, I am going to try to cling to those lessons so I can be the support I have received this week to someone else who needs it more.  After all, I am not on this earth for me, but to serve Him.  And He promises to go before me and behind me; He promises to give abundantly more than I could ask for (I just have to wait for His timing); He is good, so when I follow Him I am in His hand, protected, blessed, and provided for.  I need to get out of His way and let Him move me; I need to get on board with what He is doing.  After all, His plans are better than mine. And I need to draw nearer to Him and He will draw near to me.